Where’s That Anger Coming From?
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Parenting Tags: achievement, anger, hurt, I'm a Keeper, joyful parentng, Ray Lincoln, sensitive, temperament
Parenting can be a real joy when done with confidence and respect. Find out how!
This article is adapted from an excerpt from the book, I’m A Keeper, by Ray W. Lincoln. Ray is offering a great package of supporting gifts FOR A LIMITED TIME to those who purchase I’m a Keeper.
If you have an angry or hostile child, you need to first determine which you are observing — anger or hostility. Anger is usually a reaction to being hurt. Hostility is something else and we will not discuss that here.
Knowing your child’s temperament is the next big step. Temperament consists of the innate urges that drive your child to action in every instance. When you know this it will lead you to the source of the anger. You will need to determine where the anger is coming from. Don’t punish outbursts that are typical displays of your child’s temperament. Hurt is caused when some basic strength of a person’s temperament is unable to be satisfied. For example: the sensitive NF’s anger at being hurt; an stabilizing SJ’s anger at a loss of security; a freedom-loving, daring SP’s anger at authority that causes loss of freedom; or an ingenious NT’s anger at a loss of achievement. Instead of punishing their anger, help them work through to a decision and a behavior that will enable them to relate effectively within their temperament to others, including you. When you can do this you are a “super” parent.
“Super Parent Theresa” was mystified as to why her daughter, Bridget, was stubbornly disobedient and spoke to her in bitter anger most of the time. Theresa had asked her daughter to clean up her room, but to her annoyance, found the room trashed instead of tidy. Her surge of anger was instant. (This is your signal that you are about to lose it emotionally, and can either gain or lose control of the situation. Take a time out, breathe deeply, and think! Recover your calm, controlling, manner.) “How dare she defy me like this,” she thought. Instead of handing out an immediate punishment in anger, Theresa followed the above steps. She withdrew to think clearly. Her daughter, she thought, always kept her room neat and tidy. This was so unlike her to trash her room.
Theresa remembered that her daughter was an SJ temperament whose greatest threat to living in her strengths was insecurity. Could she be feeling insecure? The answer was near at hand. Bridget had just come home with a poor report card, and her teacher who she looked up to and felt connected to had reprimanded her. It was, admittedly, four weeks since the divorce. Could this (and the teacher’s scolding) have climaxed in a fit of rage and rebellion against her mother? Perhaps, even the whole world? This fit could be the expression of an insecure, frightened little girl.
Theresa called Bridget to her and, assuming this was the cause, began to comfort her and go over these events, suggesting they could be quite upsetting and destabilizing. The dam broke and amid big tears, the mother discovered her daughter’s fears and heard “I’m sorry, Mother.” An SJ parent had rediscovered her SJ child and become the comforting mentor and understanding parent Bridget so needed. Super parenting!
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This article is an adapted excerpt from the book, I’m A Keeper, by Ray W. Lincoln. Ray is offering a great package of supporting gifts FOR A LIMITED TIME to those who purchase I’m a Keeper. Go NOW to http://web.me.com/raynmaryjolincoln/RayWLincoln/Imakeeperbook.html to access this helpful book and the incredible offer.
Ray Lincoln is the founder of Ray W. Lincoln & Associates, providing life coaching, parenting seminars, personal growth seminars, marriage seminars and more. His expertise in Temperament Psychology has led to such success with solving parenting dilemmas that he has finally answered the recurring calls of his clients by publishing “I’m a Keeper.” His website, RayWLincoln.com, and blog, http://blog.raywlincoln.com offer further help and guidance.
