Three Ways We Create Our Own Weaknesses
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Parenting Tags: blame, children, responsibilty, self-esteem, strengths, temperament, weaknesses
Another great article adapted from an excerpt from the book, I’m a Keeper, by Ray Lincoln. Ray is offering a great package of supporting gifts FOR A LIMITED TIME to those who purchase I’m a Keeper.
This may surprise you, but we have ourselves to blame for our weaknesses! Sorry, we can’t blame our temperament or anyone or anything outside of ourselves. We are responsible! By the way, don’t say “blame.” Blame, to me, is a dangerous word. We should not “blame” ourselves for anything since blame is condemnation. To condemn ourselves results in negative judgments against ourselves and can be very damaging.
We should, rather, hold ourselves responsible for our actions. We don’t want to blame our children because it lowers their self-esteem. And one of the temperaments (the NF), in particular, is strongly affected by continual inner judgments against themselves. We cannot afford to encourage these inner judgments. We should not let ourselves off the hook when we are responsible, either. Blame is condemnation, but accepting responsibility points us positively in the direction of change. Being accountable, without the negative impact of blame, is our goal. We simply are responsible for all of our actions and reactions, and that means for all of our weaknesses, because I hope to convince you that you really are responsible for your weaknesses – as I am for mine.
Weaknesses are the negatives in our lives. We have already said that we can never be given negatives. Positives, yes! Negatives are the malfunctioning of a healthy system. They result in and are caused by mistakes, failures, wrongs, and hurts. Weaknesses come from the wrong use or nonuse of strengths. Here’s how…
My observations have taught me that all weaknesses are a negative reflection of our strengths and we create them in one of three ways:
1. When we don’t use our strengths, we create weaknesses in our lives. This should be obvious.
2. When we overuse our strengths we create weaknesses. The overuse of any strength creates a weakness. Overuse creates a negative (not a positive) force.
3. When we use our strengths for wrong purposes (that is, to hurt ourselves or others – any others) we develop weaknesses, and we soon feel the pain of guilt flagging us that something is wrong.
There’s good news in this. I hope you see it. The good news is that, because we are responsible for our weakness, we can overcome them. The solution is really simple. It starts with understanding focus. We’ll deal with that in a subsequent lesson.
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This article is adapted from an excerpt from the book, I’m A Keeper, by Ray W. Lincoln. Ray is offering a great package of supporting gifts FOR A LIMITED TIME to those who purchase I’m a Keeper.
Go NOW to http://web.me.com/raynmaryjolincoln/RayWLincoln/Imakeeperbook.html to access this helpful book and the incredible offers.
Ray Lincoln is the founder of Ray W. Lincoln & Associates, providing life coaching, parenting seminars, personal growth seminars, marriage seminars and more. His expertise in Temperament Psychology has led to such success with solving parenting dilemmas that he has finally answered the recurring calls of his clients by publishing “I’m a Keeper.” His website, RayWLincoln.com, and blog, http://blog.raywlincoln.com offer further help and guidance
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Where’s That Anger Coming From?
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Parenting Tags: achievement, anger, hurt, I'm a Keeper, joyful parentng, Ray Lincoln, sensitive, temperament
Parenting can be a real joy when done with confidence and respect. Find out how!
This article is adapted from an excerpt from the book, I’m A Keeper, by Ray W. Lincoln. Ray is offering a great package of supporting gifts FOR A LIMITED TIME to those who purchase I’m a Keeper.
If you have an angry or hostile child, you need to first determine which you are observing — anger or hostility. Anger is usually a reaction to being hurt. Hostility is something else and we will not discuss that here.
Knowing your child’s temperament is the next big step. Temperament consists of the innate urges that drive your child to action in every instance. When you know this it will lead you to the source of the anger. You will need to determine where the anger is coming from. Don’t punish outbursts that are typical displays of your child’s temperament. Hurt is caused when some basic strength of a person’s temperament is unable to be satisfied. For example: the sensitive NF’s anger at being hurt; an stabilizing SJ’s anger at a loss of security; a freedom-loving, daring SP’s anger at authority that causes loss of freedom; or an ingenious NT’s anger at a loss of achievement. Instead of punishing their anger, help them work through to a decision and a behavior that will enable them to relate effectively within their temperament to others, including you. When you can do this you are a “super” parent.
“Super Parent Theresa” was mystified as to why her daughter, Bridget, was stubbornly disobedient and spoke to her in bitter anger most of the time. Theresa had asked her daughter to clean up her room, but to her annoyance, found the room trashed instead of tidy. Her surge of anger was instant. (This is your signal that you are about to lose it emotionally, and can either gain or lose control of the situation. Take a time out, breathe deeply, and think! Recover your calm, controlling, manner.) “How dare she defy me like this,” she thought. Instead of handing out an immediate punishment in anger, Theresa followed the above steps. She withdrew to think clearly. Her daughter, she thought, always kept her room neat and tidy. This was so unlike her to trash her room.
Theresa remembered that her daughter was an SJ temperament whose greatest threat to living in her strengths was insecurity. Could she be feeling insecure? The answer was near at hand. Bridget had just come home with a poor report card, and her teacher who she looked up to and felt connected to had reprimanded her. It was, admittedly, four weeks since the divorce. Could this (and the teacher’s scolding) have climaxed in a fit of rage and rebellion against her mother? Perhaps, even the whole world? This fit could be the expression of an insecure, frightened little girl.
Theresa called Bridget to her and, assuming this was the cause, began to comfort her and go over these events, suggesting they could be quite upsetting and destabilizing. The dam broke and amid big tears, the mother discovered her daughter’s fears and heard “I’m sorry, Mother.” An SJ parent had rediscovered her SJ child and become the comforting mentor and understanding parent Bridget so needed. Super parenting!
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This article is an adapted excerpt from the book, I’m A Keeper, by Ray W. Lincoln. Ray is offering a great package of supporting gifts FOR A LIMITED TIME to those who purchase I’m a Keeper. Go NOW to http://web.me.com/raynmaryjolincoln/RayWLincoln/Imakeeperbook.html to access this helpful book and the incredible offer.
Ray Lincoln is the founder of Ray W. Lincoln & Associates, providing life coaching, parenting seminars, personal growth seminars, marriage seminars and more. His expertise in Temperament Psychology has led to such success with solving parenting dilemmas that he has finally answered the recurring calls of his clients by publishing “I’m a Keeper.” His website, RayWLincoln.com, and blog, http://blog.raywlincoln.com offer further help and guidance.
